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Just after ten, I was dressed to the nines at Brasserie Eight And A Half.
On the corner of Right Now and Everyone Was There,
it was the place to see and be seen.
Look at that one.
Mary, hail a cab!
- Do you think he's a model? - A model what?
A model citizen? A model home? A model aeroplane?
He's the dirty-haired Gucci guy with clean hair.
He's so versatile! Why don't you say hello?
He's gorgeous. He'd only be interested if I paid him.
There's no need to enter Hookerville.
Carrie, I know what I look like.
Then you can't see what I see.
Lynne Cameron was a sought-after fashion show producer,
as valuable to a show's success as Valium or Velcro.
I just told Damian you have just saved my life.
- I did? - Sorry. This is my boyfriend, Damian.
I say "boyfriend" loosely as Damian is clearly a homosexual.
In that case, this is my boyfriend, Stanford.
You have to be in this fashion show I'm doing.
A mix of models and stylish New Yorkers.
No one is more New York or has more style than you.
- Lynne, I'm a writer. - You're doing my show,
if I have to hunt you down, skin you alive
and have a model wear you.
I'll call you. Could this place be any louder?
- I am so coming. - To what? I'm not a model.
Then you can't see what I see.
I'll start with a salad, with extra blue cheese dressing. Thank you.
Are the vegetables all organic?
They have beef potpie on the menu. What do you think?
I'll just have a cup of hot water with lemon. Thank you.
- lsn't it hard to eat just organic? - It is so hard.
Last night, I kept thinking about a Big Mac.
I finally had to go out and pick up a guy.
- Talk about a Happy Meal! - You look great.
Your body is amazing.
I hope so. I'm having nude photographs taken on Wednesday.
Are you going to hand them out to prospective dates?
This is not about a man's approval. This photo is just for me.
When I'm old, I can look at it and say,
- "Damn, I was hot." - lsn't that narcissistic?
No one thinks seventh grade pictures are narcissistic.
- You weren't naked in that! - That we know of.
I like my body. I'm getting these pictures taken.
You're my hero. It's fantastic you can put it out there.
I can't even say yes to a charity fashion show.
New York Style?
It's huge! All the top designers are doing it!
They want you to be a model?
It's a mix of real people and models. I know the producer.
- Do it! You live for fashion. - I do not live for fashion.
How many shows did you drag me to in fashion week?
- Eight. What's your point? - So why not be in one?
I do not belong on a runway. Runways are for models. Not writers.
How is strutting down a runway different to strutting down 5th?
- Strut? Do I strut? - It would be fun!
I was a teen model when the Ralph Lauren store opened in Newhaven.
Amazing. I'm keeping my lunch down.
I cannot imagine walking down a runway while people judge me.
- No one would judge you! - We always judge models.
But you're one of the real people.
People might think I can't see the difference between a model and me.
Who cares what people think? This is a fabulous opportunity!
- You could probably keep the clothes. - I thought of that!
- I'd do it in a New York minute. - So would l.
What do you think, mutey?
While Miranda would never dream of walking on a runway,
she had no problem running on one.
You were on that treadmill for over 30 minutes.
That's illegal at Crunch Fitness.
I'm starting to train for the marathon. First time.
Good for you.
I was captain of my school track team, but marathon...
- I'm Dave. - Miranda.
- Have a good workout. - That's it?
- Is there more? - I hope so.
I've been watching you for months. I think that you are very sexy.
- So what's the problem? - He said, "l think you're very sexy."
And?
I was wearing no make-up and an old three-dollar shirt.
- Nice. - I can't believe he thinks I'm sexy.
- I'm hanging up now. - No, I'm serious!
Smart, yes. Sometimes cute, but never sexy.
Sexy is what I try to be after I win them over with my personality.
You win men over with your personality?
- They want you to be a model? - I'm hanging up now.
Later, I got to thinking about Narcissus,
a man so consumed with his own image he drowned in it.
Did he have no friends to mirror a healthier view of himself?
And why can we see our friends perfectly but not ourselves?
No matter how hard we look, do we ever see ourselves clearly?
Samantha, however, saw herself a little too clearly.
Tiger has a variety of music choices
to ease you into the shoot and make you more comfortable.
- I've got some Steely Dan... - I'm comfortable.
Camera, Tiger.
- Tiger. - Yeah, sorry.
- Do you like your gynaecologist? - She's amazing. Why?
- I want to see someone else. - What's happening?
- Trey and I are just talking... - What's happening with your vagina?
I'm not bugged. It's just us listening.
Maybe a yeast infection, but my gynaecologist says no.
- What are the symptoms? - Can't you just call me with her number?
Do you know anyone Stanford could go out with?
If we don't find him someone, he'll start dating hookers.
Exactly.
Charlotte, would you say that I'm strutting right now?
Charlotte decided that for Stanford it had to be someone cute, with style.
Someone like Anthony Marantino, her wedding gown stylist.
- What? - Anthony, it's Charlotte York MacDougal.
Sorry, I thought it was my mother.
15 phone calls to make sure I get her the cheapest possible sheets!
- I wondered if you were dating anyone. - I'm dating everyone. Why?
I have this friend, Stanford.
- What's he look like? - He is adorable.
Who would play him? In a movie?
I don't know. Ed Harris.
- A younger Ed Harris. - That's hot.
Miranda ended her first date with Captain Crunch.
- That was fun. - I hope I didn't talk too much.
The only words you said all night were, "That was fun."
You are so sexy.
You don't think so?
Maybe he was right. Who was Miranda to argue with the Captain?
Miss Motherfucker, why have you not returned my last 200 phone calls?
Lynne, I really don't think that I should do this show.
I am not a model. As much as I would like to think...
You're in or out. I don't have time for this.
I'm sure Dolce & Gabbana can find someone else to dress.
- Dolce & Gabbana? - The designers pick who to dress.
Dolce & Gabbana picked me?
Yes, and those are some picky ltalians.
Do you think that I would be able to keep the outfit?
- What's up, love? - I'm coming.
Me likey!
Perfect in the bust and the waist. Turn, love. Do we likey?
No likey the length. Have to take it up.
I know I'm too short.
But I'm very, very comfortable in heels. The higher the better.
- Feel free to put me in big shoes. - Walk, love. Walk.
- Heidi wouldn't need it taken up. - Heidi Klum?
Yes. Turn, love, turn.
- And trot back. - Trot?
Trot. Good, good, good.
- Look what the pussy's dragged in. - Hello, Oscar.
We just call me "O" now.
- Who's this? - Carrie Bradshaw. New York model.
Model? God, no. No, no. I'm a writer.
- I'm Paul Denai, the photographer. - Sure, I love... Sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I know your photographs.
I'm doing a behind-the-scenes book about fashion week.
Do you mind if I shoot your fitting?
Sorry, that was... I wasn't ready. Go ahead.
- That's the point. I like to surprise. - I could surprise you, love.
Now, what's your opinion, love?
- Me love or him love? - You, love.
- Whatever you think. - No, I've got something better.
That was bad.
I'm very uncomfortable having my picture taken.
Then how did you end up in a fashion show?
I'm in it for the free goods.
Maybe if I explain how a camera works over a glass of wine sometime?
I've never been a gal to turn down a free lesson.
- Or a free dress. - Here it is. Do we likey?
We likey!
And speaking of uncomfortable...
You can put your legs down now.
- It is not a yeast infection. - It's not?
I have a file of women all with the same symptoms.
They all think it's a yeast infection but it's not. It could be vulvodynia.
- Is it serious? - No, just uncomfortable.
We can control it. I'll prescribe a light antidepressant.
- But I'm not depressed. - It's not for you. It's for your vagina.
Your vagina is depressed?
The mood elevator corrects the imbalance.
- How do you know it's depressed? - There are symptoms.
- It can't meet its deadline? - It always wants to go to Krispy Kreme?
It's so funny! My vagina is depressed!
- Stop. I might have vulvodynia. - Vulvo-what-ier?
Every day I have to keep a vagina journal.
A "Dear Vagina, why so blue?" kind of journal?
"Dear Vagina, guess who I have a crush on?"
No. More like: "ltchy today. Not itchy."
- Sounds like a bestseller. - Ready to order?
We're still waiting, but could I have a hot water and some lemon?
I'm fine but Charlotte, maybe your...would like some fries?
- I guess not. Thank you. - Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up my nude contact sheets. Look!
Only until the food arrives.
Charlotte, I want your professional art eye opinion.
That's not very arty. I can see your...everything.
The full frontal. I did that to warm up.
- You should have warned me. - What's the problem? It's just a vagina.
It's magnified. I've never even seen mine that close.
- Never been up close and personal? - Have you seen yours that close?
You've never looked at yourself with a hand mirror?
I insist you go home now and take a look!
Better yet, take my compact and visit the ladies' room.
I don't want to look. I think it's ugly.
Maybe that's why it's depressed.
What did I miss?
On their second date, Miranda did most of the talking.
She was feeling confident and sexy.
I like my life. I love my job, I love my friends.
She couldn't believe how comfortable this new Miranda felt.
And I love meeting new people...
...Iike you.
Miranda had no idea what had changed.
I want pure class. I'm thinking ash
or a charcoal grey matt inside the frame.
On either side?
Although Samantha had done the photo for herself,
she still wanted to be desired by men.
Charcoal would bring out the grey.
The matt should stop an inch from my breast. Right here.
See my breast?
Then stop around here, near my ass.
See that? Right near my ass.
How's next Thursday?
Whatever.
You took this one of Cindy Crawford. "Photo by Paul Denai."
How can you remember? It was the '90s.
It was '92. I loved her beauty mark so much.
I used to pencil one on,
then move it around whenever I had a blemish.
It would be here and then here. Sometimes it would be here and here.
- Here's another one. Man! - I can't believe you have this book.
Are you crazy? I love this. When I moved to New York, broke,
sometimes I would buy "Vogue" instead of dinner. I felt it fed me more.
I used to do all that high fashion shit,
but the behind-the-scenes stuff I'm doing now is much better. More real.
Real?
The reality of people and all their little flaws.
The flaws make them beautiful.
Forget reality, tell me about the models.
Who's a big bitch and who's a bigger bitch?
Sorry. I never click and tell.
- Why are you so fascinated by models? - I just love them.
- They're beautiful. - Let me show you something.
You show me one model
who's more alive
or more beautiful than her.
- Which one is your new boyfriend? - It was only one kiss.
So predictable, a model dating a photographer.
Stanny, I'm a model!
Excuse me.
I may have a stroke. Do I look all right?
I'm nervous about this fix-up.
You look fabulous. Everything's fabulous.
- I can't think about it. I'm a model. - A supermodel!
I made them put me in super high heels. I'll be so swell!
Supermodel and supersize it, please!
I'm Carrie Bradshaw. Where do I go?
- Over with the non-models. - What's her problem?
- Gucci and Tucci and Dior. - Oh, my!
Look. This is the Polaroid of the dress.
We likey! That's a fashion thing.
Here's one of Frank Rich. And Fran Lebowitz.
- These are the other real people? - OK. What's wrong?
Frank Rich? Fran Lebowitz? Dolce & Gabbana couldn't get Ed Koch?
- Gucci got him. What's the problem? - I feel such an idiot.
- I convinced myself I belonged here. - You do!
- Can I go home? - No. The show is timed per model.
- I'm a non-model. - But you're fabulous.
Lighten up.
So you're not Heidi Klum,
but you're the modeliest of the real people.
He told me I was sexy and then he didn't want to kiss me.
Was it me? Suddenly I wasn't sexy?
- What does it mean? - Who knows? These are men.
You can lay your pussy in front of one and still not know what he's thinking.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse...
There's been a change.
You're not wearing this. You're wearing this.
I'm going need to speak to someone.
I had to lose the dress. Dior have something similar.
- It's a fashion house of cards, love. - I can't wear jewelled underwear.
I just want you to look at them. Aren't they fantastic?
How can I make this clear? Me no likey.
Paul, can you do something? Not that.
- You'll love them, love. - I'm going to faint.
I can't wear jewelled panties and strut out in front of Frank Rich.
I respect Frank Rich. He's a writer.
You're not just wearing panties.
They come with a fantastic coat. Try them on.
I have a certain look, you know?
And I really don't think that jewelled panties is it.
If you look like a whale, we won't send you out there.
Come out or I'm coming in.
God!
Fantastic. The hair's all wrong. We need big hair.
Big hair.
Charlotte, this is so exciting.
Stanford Blatch, this is Anthony Marantino.
- Marantino? Is that ltalian? - Sicilian.
Is that different?
Yeah.
I'd better go check on Carrie.
Ed Harris? Ed Harris? Try Ed l-have-no-Harris.
- I thought you'd hit it off. - Because we're both gay?
Let me clear something up for you.
I'm a nice package. Good arms, a high, tight ass.
I could do a lot better.
Ten minutes and ten hair extensions later...
I can't believe she'd set me up with a queen. She thinks I'd date a queen?
I don't have time to decipher levels of queendom right now.
Would you please get me another champagne?
- That is big hair. - Thank you.
Orlando, she looks fabulous.
Now, love, we need big eyes. Kevyn Aucoin, Carrie Bradshaw.
Nice to meet you. Ready for make-up?
I know you're a genius, but here's the thing. I'm a writer.
I love your column. Don't worry, you'll look fabulous.
- Nobody is listening to me. - You are fabulous.
- Get Samantha. She'll tell me the truth. - I can't. That queen's out there.
Go!
Crisis. Carrie needs to see you backstage.
Where's Her Highness?
Your little friend. Where is he?
- He had to go. - Why? He didn't like me.
No! He had a decorating emergency.
I've been rejected by someone I wasn't interested in.
I hate when that happens.
We're OK to go.
Lights, go. Music cue four. Go.
Gucci.
Tell me the truth. People don't mean it when they say that, but I do.
Honey, you're a model!
- You'd tell me, right? - Absolutely. You're a model!
I'm so tall! The shoes were my idea.
I've got to get out there. Go, model.
You're Heidi Klum!
- Those are fantastic! - Really?
- Do I look OK? - You look fabulous.
Thanks. Let's go.
- Wait until you see our gal. - Really?
- When is she coming out? - She's next!
Carrie, go.
Didn't I tell you?
Fuck me hard.
Heidi, go.
My God! She's fashion road kill.
Stop taking my picture.
I had a choice. I could leave the runway and let my inner model die of shame,
or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish.
And that's just what I did. When real people fall down in life,
they get right back up and keep on walking.
Katya, go.
My act of bravery inspired three other people to acts of bravery as well.
Miranda faced her fear of knowing the truth.
I'm confused. We had a good time, then you never called.
I never called because you never called, and that's fine,
but I just have to know: did I do something?
I don't know. We were sitting on the couch
and you seemed a little full of yourself.
OK. Glad we straightened that out.
Cheeseburger and fries.
Samantha faced her fear of what real food would do to her perfect figure.
- Thanks. - Nice ass.
I didn't tip you enough.
And Charlotte faced her fear of seeing herself.
Just like Narcissus before her,
Charlotte became so mesmerised by what she saw that...
As for me, I tucked my jewelled underwear and inner model away,
and went back to my life as a real person.
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